Weekly Thoughts 3/11/23

I’ve been enjoying this little intro, top of mind bit before a post about top of mind thoughts. A second fun fact about me is that I have to answer questions seriously. My brother asks me what antimatter fire is like? I’m immediately in. The one time I think a customer might have flirted with me — and I’m only saying it might have been because it seemed like such a TV show thing to do — she asked me if she thought the jeans she was buying would look good on her. She did a turn in already well-fitting jeans. Like, really felt straight out of a sitcom. But even if I didn’t care about being on the clock, I couldn’t just start saying lines. She wanted to know about her new jeans. The people need answers! I had to put in that good-faith effort of considering the jeans and being honest.

A third fun fact about me is that this post is about flirting! So, as I’ve mentioned before…somewhere? Certainly on the site, I think. I’m bisexual and nonbinary. I took a while to figure that out, or at least I like to beat myself up over the amount of time it took, hindsight being what it is. I grew up not quite feeling like a part of any group I was in, starting at least as far back as third or fourth grade, when I was made to feel that there was something different about me than everyone else. That’s at the core of my social anxiety, and it’s a challenge to overcome. For middle and high school, my default answer to not being able to be myself was to be “off,” and I didn’t know how to turn “on.” I still have trouble with that. I’m trying to be more open and friendly with people, and at this point, I can’t tell if everyone I meet in multiple locations is somehow a jerk or if there’s a last puzzle piece I need to find to stop distancing myself from others. I know I have resting bitch face and I’m capable of occupying my own time, but I still want to hang out, and idk why people don’t think to include me in social gatherings.

More to the point for this topic is my lack of a love life. I think I always assumed I would have an active love life when I was a kid, that I would be able to have fun playing the field at some point. Vague ideas of marriage seem nice, though I honestly don’t know if I’m convinced of it for myself now. My aforementioned anxiety makes the prospect of asking someone out feel like a life or death scenario, which means I barely did it in the past. So I’m pushing thirty with almost no experience and few ideas of what I’m looking for, which makes dating hard. At least where I am; maybe if I can finally move, I can go somewhere there are people in my age bracket who haven’t gotten married or popped out kids, and I can finally live my life.

But to do that, I would have to know how to flirt with people. Both my identity groups make it hard to know how to do that, at least as far as I’ve ever experienced dating and romance here in the Bible Belt. I have some ideas of what I would want for my body, and losing weight may be the only one I could accomplish. Nonbinary gender dysphoria, for those who don’t experience it, is a real beast in that way. I hate that I’m covered in werewolf fur. Facial hair literally makes me feel like a monster. I’ve felt both that my body can’t be human because I am one and it feels wrong, and that I can’t be human because this body is human and it feels wrong. So I try to make it more comfortable for myself, and I honestly like a lot of things about my body. It’s just that it’s already so hard for me to dial in what I want my body to be like, it’s so much harder to figure out what other people would want my body to be like. How can I look sexy to people? Do I have that mode, given the abrupt and gangly way I tend to move?

So there are problems I haven’t figured out there, because I have no reason or opportunity to develop and test out ideas. What does flirting actually look like? I don’t mean to be a stereotype, but I’m bi and everyone’s hot. I want to kiss everyone all the time. No, I’m not being cutesy, I love kissing, I have an oral fixation and mouths are universal. Continuing with stereotypes, I also have never learned how to flirt in straight or gay, among the many languages available. I wouldn’t know if anyone is flirting with me, or if I’m flirting with anyone. And like, from my story, you can tell I’m not confident in whether or not people are flirting with me. I assume it’s just me projecting, because I do that a lot. For all I know, I’m flirting with you, my cute readers, right now, and I wouldn’t know it.

Seriously, that’s not technically a bit. That little ironic joke there is something I might say in real life. Would it be flirting? Not all joking around is flirting, but it can be for some people. Am I one of them? I only have two modes, being literal and making everything a joke. I read somewhere that no one really knows what flirting specifically is, as a set of practices, so it probably all comes down to intent. My intent is everywhere and nowhere. Like a crow, I’m very excited and very terrified; like a cat, I want to be petted and I want you to stay far away from me. I used to wish for someone to rescue me from this trap, and maybe that would be a nice thing to do, but now I want to save myself, and let me tell you, it’s going no faster.

I guess this is like High-Rise Invasion. I can’t get stronger until I focus myself on the task, or a goal, no second guessing or compromises. I really would love to meet hot enbees (besides me) I can model myself after, at least get clues. Yet another reason to move away from here.