Weekly Thoughts 11/11/23

I interviewed for a promotion at my store the other day, and I think I did pretty good. I honestly am never fully sure what my bosses want from me, because I haven’t gotten much, if any, training for my position. One time, my boss said I was “too relaxed” and she wanted to see more drive. And if you’ve been following this, you know I’m not a relaxed person. I’m resigned, I’m task-oriented, I’m agreeable. The fact that I’m talking about this is a show that I want it, and they have to know I’m capable. If I’m not in the ways they want, they could, you know, work with me on those areas. All that said, I think my chances are good for moving up, all things considered. It’s not a transition I’m excited for, but it could be an improvement in a few ways compared to my current position that I could take advantage of for important things.

Anyway, this week, I want to talk about Jujutsu Kaisen, because I’ve been reading it for a couple weeks, and let me tell ya, it’s not good. Like, ok, so Nanami’s technique should have an interesting limit and strategy, but the fact that he can adjust the ruler for whatever he’s up against removes that limit immediately. And he should be weak without it, because that’s what’s interesting about his power –

Just kidding. This week, I wanted to talk about something I’m going to be working on moving forward. In the past, when I’ve looked up info about being tested for adult ADHD, the ads have been really, like, condescending and not inviting. The ads I saw were like, “Are you always broke because you spend all your money immediately because you have no impulse control? Do you get fired for being late or absent a lot because you have no sense of time?” Like, first off, let’s not invite people to see if they have a neurodivergence based on how well they can conform to capitalist life. And second of all, no, I don’t have those problems. I’ve convinced myself that I don’t deserve nice things, and I check the time frequently because I know how easily I can lose track of it. It’s called having an iron will to hold you back from doing anything “bad.”

That’s what I want to address. While I don’t think all my perceived barriers in life are artificial, there are a lot of things I could be doing, that I want to do, that I’m not because of this unconscious reflex to hold back. I often keep myself from interjecting in conversations because I worry my comment will somehow hurt me. It’s also why I tend to take a long time to think about what I’m going to say, because I have to be sure about what I say to people. It’s not a lot of times I can be off-the-cuff, and starting a conversation requires a “reason” that’s not “I want this,” because me wanting something is a bother. I can’t ask for help with something I’m in charge of, because other people aren’t supposed to do things for me; that would be bad for them, and selfish on my part. I can’t tell someone if I have a problem with what’s they’re doing, because that would be a conflict, and there’s so much anxiety with that. Because, what if I’m the bad guy? I probably am, right? I could have just gone along with it, and fixed it later. Then they wouldn’t hate me, and I wouldn’t die alone. Unlike now, with all the no friends I hang out with. And obviously I can’t question it too much, because if I could overrule the directions, then what power do they have? Everything would fall apart.

All of this comes back to a strategy that I must have started in middle school to keep myself from repeating “mistakes” I made when I was younger by brute force. It usually comes in the form of a, “Don’t do it, that’s bad,” thought, and insisting really hard that I stick to that because it’s the “decision” that was made. The list has only grown over the years. As an adult, it can sometimes feel like a literal squeeze on my brain, something coiling around me to hold me in place. I can feel it a bit now, like revealing this is some kind of no-no. Since I know this is fine, I can dispel it easily with a deep breath. There have been times when I take chances with things I say or do, where I feel the squeeze get harder, and the temperature rise, and I dissociate a bit from stress and guilt. It doesn’t feel good afterwards, like I relieved a weight. I usually feel bad for a while afterwards. Fluttery stomach and weird hollow headache.

There are times when I prefer this to the alternative, mostly as it relates to anger. I don’t want to be angry with people, generally, especially since I know it’s often a temporary emotion, and my anger is really, really big. I also don’t want to insist too much on details that aren’t important, because I can be really nitpicky. And let’s face it, my money anxiety is well-founded. As long as my card still goes through, I effectively have unlimited money, right? Why shouldn’t I get everything I want right now? There are probably better ways to convince myself that I am, in fact, poor, but I haven’t found them yet.

I started thinking about all this after my interview the other day. As usual, I got caught up in my anxiety about what I would be doing and should be doing with my life. If I keep moving up in the store, I’ll be tied to this position more, be put into a position of obligatory overtime, have to deal with kinds of responsibility I don’t want to have, and I’ll have less time to spend on creative work. I want to push forward creatively, but at the same time, can I take the stress of giving myself a second, unpaid full-time job that I only hope can pay off? And what sort of creative work? I don’t want to give up on drawing, but am I the right fit for full illustration work in comics? I still don’t have much confidence for substantial work. I do like writing, and I could be a writer, either for prose or comics. Is that giving up on another dream, though? When would I be able to figure out how to make friends and form a social life? When I was younger, I imagined myself getting around more, with a string of romances and flings, and now it’s hard to imagine having any kind of relationship once. On top of all this, I kept thinking about how in my interview, my boss suggested I try to rely on others more, because I try to do everything myself. My first instinct is to say, of course, it’s my job. I can do my own job. But I do often feel overwhelmed, because I have a large part of the store, with many areas and issues I can’t get to. I see other people helping in other departments and get jealous that I never get help (which I do, actually). I’d love to have more help. If only I could ask for it.

All of this comes back to that reflex to hold back. I’m sure I could have had more opportunities and experiences by now if I were more willing to take chances. Like, a person I’m very attracted to at work recently left for another job (which is why I have the chance for this promotion). Despite how little social skills I think I have, I do read people well enough. I think I maybe had a chance with her. There were legitimate concerns I had about taking the leap. She has kids, and that’s a whole other ballpark than I’m ready to play at, if she wanted something serious. Since we work together and I don’t know if I’m ready for “serious” with anyone, I could have created problems. But what do I know, right? One date wouldn’t have hurt anyone, and for all I know, she also would have liked messing around casually. I wasn’t in her business that way, to know what her relationship status was or what she’s looking for. Any experience I get would be massively informative for me, too. If I knew what I could have, what I can do, then I could have a concrete idea of what I want. Even thinking positively about this makes me feel antsy and ups the pressure at the side of my head.

All this makes me want to find a way to control the iron will. I have come to imagine it like a wire or coil. There are times when it’s wrapping around me, keeping me bound up. Other times, when I’m doing something I want to do and have decided is the right thing to do, I can feel it…moving forward with me? It’s hard to explain how that works with a larger metaphor, but it stays at my side, faces the same way as me, and keeps me on point. It feels really good, freer and more purposeful. I most commonly experience that with creative projects. I want to have more experiences like that, in other areas in my life. I want to be able to maintain discipline for things like spending without having to be depressed about it, while also being able to question my limits and set new ones. I want more confidence in trying big, important things, and knowing that if they don’t work out, it doesn’t confirm the underlying assumption that I’m no good and should never have tried. If drawing comics doesn’t pan out for me for whatever reason, I should embrace writing with perhaps some grief, but not guilt. I want to be more open with people and actively join in more often.

That’ll do, for now. All I have left in the tank is rambling. I actually do have some more concrete, structural critiques of Jujutsu Kaisen that I can save up for later. Like, there’s a number of specific mistakes that the book makes that I think are informative and expository for other series. I talked to my brother about it last night, and he said it sounded like it’s a bad book that I don’t like and I shouldn’t be reading it. I’m still going to read it. It’s not Bleach. And while I’m thinking about it, I should say that I am serious about eventually getting tested for ADHD. At this point, I’m far too convinced I have it to not seek an official diagnosis; I know self-diagnosing is bad, and I don’t and wouldn’t describe myself as having ADHD in any serious way, but I also still think I have it deep in my bones. This is one of those cases where validation from others is appropriate, right?