I did a few sketches breaking things into shapes. The elephant statue worked out well enough and makes some sense in my head. I also had some fun with drawing this flag in my room. It’s not exactly where I want it, but I do see how there’s some character in depicting the particular folds and wrinkles as shapes. I’ve tried a couple times to do it with human figures, and it doesn’t click very well for me. I didn’t have the best references to work from, so I think getting better references would help.
Last night, while I was drawing, I went to Pinterest to look up a reference (which I still need to find), and I saw a thing about developing a style. That drew me into the spiral that is all my conflicts with what to do with my art. There are so many things that I want to do, and they all feel like they have the same level of urgency to me, and so I can’t prioritize them at all. It’s part of why I feel lost. So I want to talk about that a bit, while it’s on my mind.
The big tug of war is between my desire to “improve my art,” a sentiment I don’t actually know how to fully articulate into a specific goal, and my desire to make stuff now while I have the motivation and ideas. The latter is hard to ignore because if I’m not giving myself instructions, then I might not draw or do much of anything creative, and I know how to give instructions for making a comic and don’t know how to give them for improvement. It’s also the thing where I’m afraid that time will pass me by and I have to make something right now or else I’ll never be able to; or a story I’m thinking of now that feels like the most important thing in my world will never get made as I get older and it no longer occupies that space, which is kinda scary as a metaphor for the fear of mortality.
But what’s the point in embarking on a quest to make my grand epic if I don’t have the skills to pull it off? My entire life, I feel restrained and unfulfilled in some nebulous way that I can’t put my finger on, especially with my art. I know it’s not where I want it to be, but I also can’t identify what that means. Sure, some basic skills like perspective work and whatnot are easy to say, but I know that simply being able to draw any angle isn’t going to make me think, “This is what I wanted to make.” I can get to, “I’m happy that it looks good and was enjoyable to make,” but not to a full satisfaction with executing my vision. I desperately want to get to that point where, at least, I know what I want to make. I juts have very little idea on how and what to do for practice and study, which is why I’ve been stumbling around since I was a kid and haven’t gotten all that far, given the time frame.
I know myself well enough to say I would likely enjoy going to art school. I tend to do very well in academic settings, where someone who knows what they’re doing tells me what things are, how to do them, and how to get better. Really, any level of consistent mentorship would probably help me greatly. That said, I’m also afraid of putting myself into a space where, famously, the teachers might talk down about the kind of art I like and want to make. I don’t want to be a fine artist or be “important,” I don’t want to participate in that world. I also know what kinds of problems I have with authority, especially with art. If anyone in that setting told me I “have to” do anything I have even a minor conflict with, I’ll be so angry and indignant for potentially years. Like, I know not all art teachers are going to be purist starving artist types, but even one of those would be a problem for me. Not that any of this concern matters in a practical sense. I can’t afford art school, in terms of my current income and the loss of income I’d have to incur by no longer working full time so I can go to school. That’s why I haven’t gotten past those entry-level thoughts on the subject; there’s not much point dwelling on how good or bad it could be when I know I literally can’t do it if I want to have a home and food, because I’m not the starving artist type.
So here I am, wanting very much to put all my effort on getting a basic grip on my art and then improving it, while also feeling like I have to make something now because otherwise I might not do anything with art at all. It’s occurring to me more and more lately how much of my time is spent not knowing what I should do with it and stumbling around for a use. I’m about a dozen chapters into a comic strip and fantasizing about a graphic novel series, and I don’t want to give up on my progress. At the same time, I can’t flail around forever feeling unable to accomplish these goals, to do anything more than dream about them. I only know how to do one of them, and it’s not the one I should probably be doing first. So I’m trying to do both by using the projects I’m making right now as an exercise in making myself draw new things so that I have to DIY techniques I know have been around for millennia and I could just learn from someone, and I’ll probably do it poorly. The books I’ve made so far are those where it’s safe to play around like that; playing with forms of improvement will always be fine, but I can’t be playing around with basic skill acquisition when I work on my big books.
As an aside, this is partly why I’m attracted to the Japanese manga production model. It’s the only modern example I’m aware of where an apprentice artist can work with and learn from a master artist while also getting paid for it. I’m aware, generally, that manga assistant aren’t given what they deserve, but like, where is anything like that in this country? I can pay someone else money to receive an art education that fits into what they think art should be, but I can’t find one person making art that I like, the sort I want to make, and learn from by working with them while also having the basic necessities of life. It’s a very attractive idea. That doesn’t exist in American comics. People work all over the world and work on large tasks that require expertise, so there’s no room, literally and metaphorically, for a junior to come in for training.
More basically, I don’t know how to prioritize these things because I want to put all my effort and attention into whatever I choose. I’m afraid of doing one thing to the exclusion of everything else. And who can blame me for that? Not only is drawing such a massive and all-encompassing talent to develop, but so much of what I see about what it takes to get better says you have to quit your job and shun the world and only make art for years at a time; that’s what it takes and anything less means you don’t care about your art. That’s what scares me most, because the fact that I can’t commit that hard means I’ll never be good. And I know it’s a silly thing to get caught up on, because I’m making a thing right now while having a full time job and having hobbies, and nothing says that getting better at art has to be any different. But can I focus on my improvement at the same time as I make this comic strip that I don’t want to give up? They’re both so important to me that I feel I can’t split focus or stop one in favor of the other, since one thing is in progress.
This is why I want a teacher, a mentor, literally any second human who knows about this stuff to talk to. I’ve demonstrated pretty clearly why I feel as if I’ll never make any meaningful progress on my own, because these feelings are too big for me to wrestle alone. They’ve been winning this fight for years, and I desperately want some help in getting a pin. That’s a big part of why I post art online, because it’s the same way I ask for help; because I have such a hard time actually asking for anything, I’m putting out what I think is a clear and obvious need and hoping someone will reach out with help. I do appreciate all the encouragement I receive, genuinely, but at the same time, I don’t want, “That’s really good,” as much as I want, “Here’s why that’s not as good as it could be.”
Weekly Art Blog 7/21-7/27/2024
Life in the Gutters 