I’m showing off this illustration I did this week of Kierra getting kabedon-ed. Kierra, you might recognize, is the character I was previously calling Lea. That was a relevant nickname from the previous draft. As I thought about the new direction, it became clear that I wasn’t going to keep her name the same. For this piece, I was hoping to get a sense of vulnerability showing through her otherwise tough demeanor. I worry the expression isn’t quite where I wanted it, but it’s certainly next door. I also wanted to play around with some lighting effects and whatnot, and I hit some limits there, for sure. I don’t know enough about color to get the full “dimly lit bar with the glow of neon signs” look I wanted. I’m also satisfied with the shading being my best in this instance, but I think it could be better. There are aspects of how lighting works and how to color and shade things that I simply don’t know enough about right now.
I’ve been focusing on writing about art and creativity here for a while, and I’ve been really enjoying it. As we get closer to the election, though, I can’t stop thinking about what my future will be like. I’m a queer person who makes comics with heavily queer casts and interracial queer couples; I’m afraid for my and my work’s future in this country, depending on what happens Tuesday. If Trump wins out – possibly after a few months of lawsuits and media frenzy and another coup attempt, in the event he doesn’t outright win – then we’re very likely heading into a dictatorship, right? Trump and the people around him have been pretty open about their desire for it, and it’s not clear if we’ll be able to keep him contained. It’s very scary. I’m not sure if there’s ever been an election in our history that wasn’t between our more fascistic and our more democratic tendencies, and this could very well be the last time we get to have any say. On top of everything else, this is making it harder to think about the future. I’ve been strangely confident that Harris will win, and it could easily be because I just can’t imagine a version of my world that isn’t like the one I grew up in, you know?
This situation makes me think of the Purge movies, or at least their premise. I never bought into it, and I remember there being a lot of talk about it being realistic and arguments that it would work. But, like, no, right? Putting aside any debate on how many would-be murderers are out there, both unwilling to kill in secrecy and just waiting for a chance to avoid prosecution, there’s the obvious problem of what happens the day after the purge. How does anyone go on living, knowing that it happened? That someone you know, or any of those you don’t passing you by on the streets, did that? You can’t kill that one horrible coworker and then ask for more staples like it’s fine.
I realize that comparing this election to the Purge comes across very harsh, but there is a very real parallel. We all experienced it after 2016, and it’ll be a lot worse after this one, if it all goes right. Let’s put aside the true believers for a second. There’s so many people out there who are going to vote for Trump because they’re afraid of…something, I don’t really know. They’ll say they don’t want any of the fascist stuff and may even claim to oppose it, but they don’t care enough to vote for someone else. Deny, avoid, misdirect, recite false talking points, repeat. I’ve had family say that if Trump wins, everything will still be the same, it’ll still be normal, that it’s not the end of the world. As someone who could be thrown in jail, or worse, if Trump wins, maybe it is the end of the world. Maybe just saying you don’t want me, the person you share blood with, to go through it doesn’t make me feel better when your love for me won’t stop you from voting for the person who’ll do it to me and those like me. And if I bring any of that up, I’m the rude one, I’m the one bringing a fight, I’m the one making things awkward and alienating people. Me, the person who can’t have real conversations with people I love because they see part of me as below contempt, or at least below consideration. People only come in wholes, you know? How am I ever going to feel a part of the family?
I’m sure we’ve all had experiences like that. “Politics” isn’t politics anymore. Every issue comes down to what identity group you belong to. Everything is a culture war, with the implied terms being that one side wants entire groups of people to either not exist or be put in their prescribed place. Instead of debating the functional merits of different programs, we debate whether or not the group that would benefit deserves life, and then dignified life. The fact that so much of the vitriol and hatred comes from lies only makes it more exhausting, more alienating, more enraging. How do we get up the next day, see our loved ones, our friends, our coworkers, and pretend like they didn’t do what they just did? That’s if Trump loses, and we still live in a world where this horrible disassociation is a top concern.
I’m so tired! I’m ragged and used up. All the gaslighting, all the “I’m rubber and you’re glue,” all the open fascism that those in power pretend is actually reasonable because they want to avoid a fight (or they agree with it). If Trump doesn’t win, and he finally dies, and we go through a slow and horrible process of de-Trumping politics, there will still be millions of people who won’t be able to admit what voting for him meant. There will be an entire generation of people who’ll go down with the ship. They’ll ignore it at all costs and try to move on like nothing happened, or they’ll double down and insist on whatever their current thought process is indefinitely. Not only is that awful for me, but I don’t want it for them. I’d love a future where Trump voters who don’t actually want a fascist dictatorship can change their minds, and we can forgive them. I’d love a future where America can be the country it’s always claimed to be. I’d love to know my family loved me enough to change their views and actions.
Even after saying all this, I’m still hopeful for the outcome. I think Trump was never that popular, and it’s easy to forget that with all the noise and media circus. In this moment, there’s no point in drowning in all this. I look at the art I’ve made recently, and my older work, and I feel calmer. I have different styles, I have growth, I have a sense of what I want to make and how. For the next few days, at least, I can focus on that.
Weekly Thoughts 10/26-11/2/2024
Life in the Gutters 