Time is really just flying by for me. That did not feel like a week. Once again, I haven’t posted anything online this week, so I’ll post this photo of a sketch I’m going to redo. It’s a group picture, because I’ve been antsy about being in design mode and doing “easy” stuff. You can see that I’ve jotted down some notes on what I want different in the next sketch. I’ve been banging out the plot overview for my book, and I’m just about finished up with it, I think. I have a lot of the major beats, so I really want to figure out the last few bits that say what I want to say.
I talked about work last week, so a little update. My first week in my new position was actually pretty good. I didn’t have to have a walkie, and I didn’t have to be with customers; I just did my job until it was time to go. Early mornings aren’t great, but overall I’m enjoying the change. Next week we start coming in even earlier, so we’ll see how that goes. It’s hard when it’s midnight from five PM till bedtime, but you also have to be awake before sunrise. Isn’t it silly we pretend like sleep is a nice little bonus you can just make your body do?
I’ve been thinking this week about my art and generally how I go about things in life, and it all begs the question: What are words? I’m joking. Kinda. I have been thinking about how I struggle with making decisions, relating to others, and getting something on the page. A lot of it ultimately comes down to a struggle to consciously express myself. That brings me to questions about the self and thoughts and words.
When you see an animal, you expect to hear it make a call – a bark, a yelp, a screech, a song, etc. When you see a person, you expect to hear a language, with words. While every animal has the ability to express multiple ideas to others, and some even have syntax and grammar, we’re the only ones that use words. Instead of thinking about it as us being the only “smart” animals on the planet, the question I prefer is why language isn’t useful to other animals (at least at the moment). The conclusion I’m moving towards right now is that we put too much stock in words, to the point that we devalue anything we can’t put into them. Like, words are great – I’m using them right now, and enjoying it – but every other living creature on Earth goes about their lives without verbalizing their thoughts and feelings and decisions, and they get by just fine. My human obsession with verbalizing myself is getting in the way of the underlying person that wants to live their life, and often leads to me dismissing that person’s needs and desires. Seems like a common experience.
All of which makes me rethink how I go about my life. I often can’t, or at least won’t, do things until and unless I can express the full thought as words in my head. I have to be able to explain it fully and completely so that the other person understands me the same as I do myself. That’s a very high bar to cross, maybe impossible. Words alone don’t do a person justice. And I know those words aren’t who I am, because I can “hear” the thoughts bubbling up from deeper within; the feelings are there, whether or not I can put them into words. So if I want to express myself better, I shouldn’t wait for my words.
More to the point, I shouldn’t be trying to avoid any and all problems and conflicts by talking correctly the first and only time. I have to start somewhere, and I have to trust that other people will either understand or take it in good faith. I walk through life like an exposed nerve, and I’m still ready, willing, and dedicated to accepting and understanding people despite pain; why am I so scared of hurting others when I know they not only hurt me, but that it’s fine in the end?
That’s where I’m at right now. I want to take that approach more, to explore the world and myself without words and figure out that flow. I guess it boils down to the phrase, “Trust your gut.” I want connection with and confidence in how I feel, and for that to be what I express to the world.
Life in the Gutters 