Weekly Art Blog 8/17-8/24/2025

I’m at the end of the third chapter of my zine project. The farther I go, the more I can tell that I’m not hitting the target I want to hit with my art. There’s something about the balance of elements and the patterns I employ that’s not there yet. Which isn’t to say the book is turning out poorly, of course, I’m just learning a lot and have a lot to think about for the future. I’m getting more pixels in the vision of where I can go from here. I’m closer to understanding the strengths and weaknesses of my style, and how best to use them. I’m also very sure that this “draw them all at once” plan was probably not the best idea. I would like a break from the one kind of drawing every now and then. Something else to keep in mind.

That’s most of what I’ve been thinking about, art wise, this week. I am preoccupied with stuff at work. I have an opportunity to be promoted to management soon, which is a lot to process. Still doing it, and will be until I’m in the job, if all goes well. In terms of what it’ll mean for my life, it’s the right thing to do. I’d finally be making a reasonable amount of money, which would be a big upgrade in my standard of living. I’d also have more financial and material security as I pursue art. I could get a lot more resources to help me make even better art.

But of course, it also means my job will take up more of my life. It’s more hours, more responsibilities to the company, more of the kind of stuff I don’t really want to deal with. I never wanted to be a manager, really. I don’t like the idea of being a boss because I don’t like top-down authority. I don’t want to deal with corporate people all the time. If I could be an entry level employee and make the amount of money they’re offering me, I would never have moved up in position at all. And at the moment, I’d be leaving the one job in the store with a regular schedule, which is like a godsend in work-life balance in retail. It’s also a really physically demanding job, so leaving it would save my body a lot of wear and tear.

There’s just a lot to consider in terms of the kind of job I want. I can do the manager job, I’m sure. But in my heart, I see it as moving another step away from my goals in life. It’ll be less time I can spend drawing, after all. I would love to spend my life drawing and making art and enjoying myself. I don’t like feeling dug in deeper into a different life trajectory. But at the same time, I still have no idea what my ideal art career looks like or how to get into it. The one thing I’m sure of is that it won’t be financially stable for a long time, if ever. It’s a lot easier for me to go after basic life stability that I know is in front of me, and use that to keep working towards what I can.

I don’t really have anyone I can fall back onto, if I were to throw it all away. I live alone and my family can’t support me like that. I don’t want to put a burden on others while I chase after what I know to be such a longshot. Or rather, I don’t have anyone I know could support a second full adult and that I would feel comfortable leaning on in that way. They either can’t or they’ve done more than enough for me, or both. Plus, I love living alone. There’s a lot about the life I’ve made for myself so far that I genuinely enjoy, and wouldn’t want to give up on.

Sometimes I worry that I’m just a coward because I can’t quit and do art full time. Part of me is really so committed, so purist that it always seems that’s the only right thing to do if I really cared about art. Even if life doesn’t make that feasible, what other choice is there but to hope life catches up to me? But I also know how miserable I’d be with nothing. I have no knowledge, connections, mentors, social skills, or plans, just ambition. I’d be giving up on a baseline stable and comfortable life, in exchange for constant suffering and resentment towards myself and my art for not giving me what I need. I don’t even live in an area with a real art scene, especially not in comics. Is there anywhere in America with a “comics scene” in the first place? I don’t even know what those words mean as I ask for it, because I don’t fully understand how social groups work. I barely talk to other people.

So it’s safe to say I feel inadequate for the task at hand, and lost as to how to remedy that fact. I often think it comes down to confidence, but basic social and professional navigation skills aren’t glossed over with confidence. They’re real and necessary skills. More than anything, I’m just so overwhelmed and don’t know where to start. Like I said, I don’t have a guide, and even looking for a guide feels so far beyond my capabilities. That’s why it’s easier to focus on what’s in front of me. I don’t know how to go from here to a life supported fully by my art, but I do know I can get a two to three times increase in income if I take this promotion.

I just need to take a deep breath. What’s overwhelming me is my desire and ambition. I really, really want to make comics. Even when I’m feeling so worn down, all I want to do is draw my comic. I can’t stop having ideas for comics or thinking about them. No matter how dark it seems at times, this dream brings me joy. All I can do is focus on what’s in front of me and make a game plan for the future. I need to meet and talk with other artists, learn about the world. It only gets hard if I think more than one step ahead at a time. If that’s all I can handle, then I just have to accept that and focus on how happy what I’m currently doing makes me. Even if it takes longer, there’s a lot to be said for not having money be the reason I could be disappointed a book of mine not selling, or not being picked up by a publisher, or however my career works out. If I work as a manager for a while and then give it up for art if and when that picks up, then I’ll have a better safety net to fall back on if I need it.

Ultimately, I think this promotion is the right move for me right now. If I get it, I just need to remind myself that this is increased support for my art. I have to be the spouse who gets the promotion and then spends a bunch of money on me so I can follow my dreams. I’m exchange, I also have to be the person who actually accomplishes those dreams so I don’t become resentful of me.