I was without internet for much of last weekend due to the ice storms, so I apologize for the break. I was fortunate enough not to lose power, and I’m really grateful for that. I am getting along just fine. The new job is going fine enough so far, though I’m still looking for a clearer picture as to what I should be spending my time doing most days. I am excited to have money, like actual money to spend. I’ve never just had money like this. I’m going to get myself a lamination machine. I decided to make another of that spinning black woman illustration I did a while back as a piece I could hang at my end of the desk at work, so I need to laminate it, and why not just have the equipment myself? I also need ink for my printer, so this one pictured isn’t the final product; the low ink is affecting the print quality too much. And yes, last time I drew her, I gave her purple hair and an orange top because when I first saw orange hair and a purple top together, I realized she was just Starfire, and I didn’t intend that. This time, I didn’t remember that until after I had started shading, and who cares if she’s Starfire? That’s the right look!
Final Housekeeping Note: This is going to be the last post for this blog. I have not found another platform that I can trust won’t turn my words into AI training data. Like, I switched to Mozilla for better data privacy, and they have AI; I switched to DuckDuckGo because Google sucks, and they have AI; Duolingo keeps pushing me to use their useless AI chatbot feature instead of just partnering with Discord or someone for video chats around the world. Is any tech company not making AI? Because what is even the point? What’s the use case? Writing useless emails faster and writing computer code? I’m so incredibly tired of all this AI stuff being shoved at us, and I’m tired of not being sure if anything is going to keep its machine mitts off me. Also, beyond that, being a manager has me working more hours, and given everything I want to do, recovering a few hours for art on Sunday morning (or Saturday night) is for the best. My entire schedule is getting realigned. I will miss having an outlet like this, and maybe in the future I’ll have to look for another solution and start from scratch. That’ll be fine, for me.
That’s actually a good topic for the day. I’m always running myself ragged, and it’s not hard to do since I have so little stamina. Physically, yes, but more than that, mentally. It’s so hard to tell when you’re concentrating, or how hard. At least for me, that’s always been the case. That makes it hard to pace myself or tell when I need to rest. Especially since I want to do so much all the time, and when I realize I’m tired, I’m finally feeling the high of motivation, since I’m on a lag. I’m often confused as to why I want to sit and do nothing when I could be getting something done, and then when I start doing something, I keep looking to the clock to see if I’ve worked a satisfying amount of time to take a break. Even in my…two posts ago? When I was talking about staying committed to finishing my current project? I was talking about drawing stuff in my sketchbook, as well, the great workload that I have to be able to manage. That’s the place I’m at with my mental energy, especially with this new job.
And like, am I expecting too much from myself? Having a full time job with mandatory overtime and that requires a lot of decision-making on top of making a comic and doing design and prep work for another, while learning two languages, sounds like I’m using a lot of mental energy. At the same time, you always hear stories about people who do great things who were handling at least this much, if not more. Obviously, I’m not the same as those people, but like…am I handling less, or were they handling more? Because I’m not sure how anyone gets enough sleep.
All of which is making me think more about how I spend my time. Like, I don’t want to cut out leisure activities and just never have any way to relax. At the same time, as a lifelong Pokemon fan, I do wonder how I’ll be able to continue interacting with the franchise. I haven’t been with the newest games on release day for the past few titles, and I don’t have the room in my schedule to spend hours and hours a day with one like I’m used to. I can see a version of my future where I hang it up and let the kids enjoy the new stuff. Will I be able to commit to only playing a new Pokemon game for one hour a day, or be content to take a break, play it all at once, and then not have that fun activity for a while between? In the end, as I try to find the time for these things, I’ll have to discover if I’d really rather use my time some other way or if I need it.
I’m also looking at my media diet differently. It’s been years since I last watched TV. Like, really watched TV. I watch shows through the internet, and especially with meals I’ll sit and watch them on their own. But most of the show watching I do is while I draw, and quite frankly I don’t think it’s one of my healthiest habits. I know I draw better and faster with music, which isn’t demanding my eyes, as well, and so as I adjust to things and focus on what’s important to me, I can see me no longer watching all of Game Changer while I draw. That’s why I don’t have many streaming services; I just don’t have a place in my life for watching shows all that much. And I really enjoy shows! I grew up with TV, and I know there’s a lot of good stuff being made these days. But when I come home from work, and I have comics pages to draw, do I want to take an hour to watch a show when I could be drawing? For Monarch: Legacy of Monsters season 2 when it comes out, yes. And of course, as I say this, I acknowledge that I still have several podcasts I keep up with while I draw, but to be fair, those are mostly words, so I don’t have to watch them closely. It’s just this internet attention economy that pushes everything to video format, whether or not it needs to be.
So as you can see, I don’t know how to budget my time or how to properly “relax.” I want to take a vacation soon, even just to stay home and get caught up on my comic so I don’t have to feel so behind. I just never stop moving, and I move from one thing to another abruptly. I can’t tell how much energy it takes to stay with one thing, but it’s probably a lot. Even my thinking about this stuff is taking more effort than it likely needs. I have to put everything into what I do, which inflates their value. And the lag is a real thing for me. Like, I didn’t pick up social skills when I was a kid, so I didn’t spend my teenage years or my twenties dating and socializing and going to concerts and stuff like I hear is normal. Now, I might finally be at a place where I’m ready to start exploring those things, and everyone my age is thinking of settling down and when to try for kids if they want kids. I’m probably also using a lot of energy being depressed because I’m mourning a youth I didn’t get to have, and the main way I notice it in the present is constantly being scared I’ll lose out on another thing I want to do. But in life, you don’t get everything you want.
But you know, while my job is taking more time and I’m only finding more demand for what’s left, I also have the opportunity to provide for my needs in a way that I haven’t before. Like I said up top, I can do things like get a lamination machine, stuff that will help me execute on my artistic goals. I can buy clothes more freely, so I can figure out more with fashion and gender than I’ve been able to before. Maybe I can finally feel attractive. A lot of cooking stuff is hard for me, so having a food processor and other such equipment would be really nice and open doors for me. Certainly once I replace my car, I can just go to the zoo whenever I want. And aquariums. I can buy toys at the zoo! I don’t really know how to travel or do vacations, but I can afford to find out. I can buy records without feeling like I just stole from myself, so I can build up a collection. I still want and need to read comics, so I can continue building up my bookshelf; I’m just 101 books away from being a library. I can buy art from people! I’ve never gotten a commission, and it would be cool to get a bunch of original pieces of black women art to replace/bolster my store-bought prints of black women. I can afford to go to the doctor and find out if I need an inhaler or just a therapist for my exhaustion. Get new glasses, and find out if I can ever get this retention wire out of my mouth.
I’ll leave you with the advice that my ability to look at the bright side and continue to appreciate the good things in life, even when things are so hard and so dark, is what’s kept me going. Don’t let anyone tell you that only stupid people are happy. People too easily buy into the rationalization of depressed and anxious people that their suffering is in service of greater intelligence or some such nonsense. Happiness is just as true as pain, and a lot of dumb people are depressed. Your adulthood should also be happy and fun and all those things we resent children for hogging. That’s the stuff we’re fighting for when we talk about fighting for freedom and dignity.
Life in the Gutters 