Weekly Thoughts 5/27/23

I really want to figure out how to muster my creativity at will. When I don’t have a specific thing I want to draw, it feels impossible to start, and I can go weeks between drawing anything. When I was younger, I was better at doodling, and I don’t know what happened to that. I know from experience that it’s a momentum thing; if I just get started, then I’ll be running. I’d feel better about myself and more prepared if I got in the habit of drawing every day. It’s been a difficult habit to establish. I’m sure there’s resources for that, so I just need to get the courage together to look into it.

Anyway, this week’s main topic is Crossplay Love: Otaku x Punk by Toru. It’s a manga about two high schoolers, delinquent Satogiri Shuumei and nerd Hanae Yuuma, in a love mix-up, billed as a “double one-sided love story.” Hanae crossdresses to work as Hana at a maid café; Shuumei got a crush on Hana and started crossdressing as Mei in order to go in without standing out, which led to Hanae getting a crush on Mei. Just by the description, you can probably guess why I have said in my review articles I feel like my heart’s going to be broken. As far as we’ve seen so far, our main characters are presented as straight cis boys in a faux lesbian courtship while crossdressing “totally not because of their gender identity,” a trend in manga I’ve expressed my dislike for. In all likelihood, by the end of the series, neither will come out as trans or nb or otherwise nonconforming, and it’s slightly more likely but still unlikely that either will come out as gay or bi. For all of the reasons, I should put this book down.

But here’s the thing: I’m writing about it this week because the fourth volume just came out, and it’s really, really good, just like the whole series has been so far. I enjoy this book way too much! Like, as a queer nerd, I reject the idea that I should continue to be made to feel guilt for any pleasure, but this is kinda a guilty pleasure for me; it’s not guilt yet, because I’ve yet to be betrayed, but I feel I should know better. It’s just such a good book! And despite the issues the premise presents, it’s handling things well enough, and I think we’ll get some kind of happy ending that’s not trash. So let’s explore this some more.

First off, it’s a gag comedy and a romcom, and it’s aces on both fronts. No matter the circumstances, both our main characters’ lives can be described as a series of shenanigans. Both are leading potentially unnecessary double lives that they want to keep secret from the world, and both have a crush on someone that they feel they can’t confess to as the person the crush knows them as. There are a lot of queerphobic and generally sexist ways the humor could go, but it doesn’t really do any of that. The focus is on general romcom awkwardness, gags, and making use of the secret identity angle. In fact, the overall view of the characters’ romance is positive, if still couched in teenage idiocy and a heteronormative mindset. Putting aside any and all concerns about the subject matter, it’s a really funny, heartfelt, cute romcom, and I love it. The characters are sincere and growing in self-awareness; it’s an honest sort of humor, not toxic, cynical, or reactionary.

There’s a lot of accepting vibes, at least, in the book, too. Hanae’s best friend, Shimazaki, is part of a cosplaying troupe that cosplays as masculine and feminine characters, so he accepts Hana right away. Also, we see him and his troupe crossplaying a few times. None of Shuumei’s tough guy, delinquent friends make fun of him for knowing about makeup. One of them, Kanoko, seems like an obvious bear whose open romantic interest in Shuumei has gone unnamed. I’d argue there’s also romantic subtext to Shuumei’s friendship with Yuzuru, though they likely won’t say that much. That aside, Yuzuru figures out that Hana is a crossdresser immediately and doesn’t feel any transphobic need to intervene; to the extent he assumes their romance is doomed, he sees their courtship as harmless and a meaningful experience all the same. They’re all dumb teenagers in a heteronormative society who still feel the need to specify out loud that they’re not prejudiced, rather than just living that truth, but overall the cast is pretty accepting. That extends to the presentation of the story, which uses Hana and Mei to explore who Hanae and Shuumei are, and the larger theme of how people use their projected identities to discover and express different facets of their selves.

I do expect there will be a positive, emotionally honest, and vulnerable ending for Hanae and Shuumei, too. The ending I want is, of course, for Hanae to come out as nonbinary and Shuumei as trans, and both as appropriately attracted to one another, and they become a couple and live happily ever after as Hana and Mei. I would also accept them both coming out as gay or bi but still cis, and decide that their crossdressing is an important part of how they express themselves, and they continue dating as Hana and Mei. Like, obviously, the desired endpoint has to include them being a faux crossdressing lesbian couple. It’s the dream I was sold on the cover. From how the book has gone so far, I don’t think we’ll get that sort of ending; like, I’ll speculate about Hanae later, but generally it doesn’t seem likely. Instead, what I expect is that they will reject a potential romantic relationship once they learn each other’s true identities, but decide their relationship is still really important to them, and their divide as a delinquent and nerd is a dumb, high school construct, and they’ll remain inseparable friends and confidants for life.

And to the extent I can expect such an ending, it’s actually really nice for me in another way. I’ve discussed before how I think friendship and romance are the same thing. In that light, it’s really fun to read a book where the formation of a friendship is developed with the same framework as a romance. Like, friendship is a really amorphous thing, and encompasses a lot of different kinds of relationships. A friend could be a person you play basketball with at the park a few times a year, or a friend could be the closest person to you in the world. Friendship is typically viewed as nonsexual, but there are also many people who can and do have sex with friends without collapsing into romance or disrupting the friendship. In the West for sure, family is often framed as more important and a stronger bond, but there is growing acceptance of the fact that’s not always true, and some people view friends as more family than their blood relations. Friendship is like the “cousin” of relationships; after a while, we just call everything a friendship and ignore the details. So yeah, if this book ends in the expected fashion, it would be pretty cool to see a story thoughtfully and purposefully create a powerful and enduring friendship using the same tools as one would use to create a romance, to highlight the many similarities and artificial social divides between the two relationship types. It’s still not what I want for the characters, but it’s a positive thing to see in the world, and I would really vibe with it.

So, why is Hana-Mei a situation to begin with? Like I mentioned, Shuumei started crossdressing because he was too intimidated by the idea of entering a maid café alone, as a teenage boy and a delinquent type, but he wanted to get closer to his crush. He realized that a single young woman could go in with less or no social pressure. Since his older sister does makeup professionally, he grew up learning how to do it, as well. His story seems the most textbook in terms of “inventing silly reasons for a cis person to crossdress when a trans, nb, or nc character could have been used,” and as a result, he’s sadly the least likely to come out as non-cis. Fingers crossed on him being bi, though. He did dye his hair pink, and nothing’s stopping him from having an epiphany with Hanae. It’s unfortunate proof, but his brother complex shows he’s not immune from thinking a boy is the cutest being in existence. He’s certainly not dismissing Kanoko’s affections as much as he could (not that they have a future together).

Hanae is the one to watch out for, IMO. Hanae is a gloomy, self-hating nerd stereotype, and his stated fandoms so far have been idol singers and cosplayers; i.e. he was raised as masculine and likes traditionally feminine things, and as a result finds it nearly impossible to express himself to others due to social stigma around appearing feminine. No one has outright asked him why he chose to start working at a maid café as Hana, a notable absence from the narrative. We know he first started crossdressing after deciding to give makeup a try “on a whim” after seeing some videos, and then spending months perfecting his craft with his younger sister Hiyoko’s help. You know, the kind of dedication that people usually give to whims, and that leads to doing a test run in public with someone you trust, being happy you can successfully pass, and deciding to create an alternate persona so your unassigned gender identity can live in public. He felt at once happy and seen when his sister said it was nice to “also have an older sister.” It’s the kind of thing that screams “young trans person experimenting with their identity.” He also stated that he loves working as Hana because he can “be himself without being himself” and that he has always been into the idea of “reinventing himself,” two more very “young trans kid” things to think. Like, other than how my love for coded feminine things was stalled until I came to terms with my gender, Hanae is a lot like how I was in high school, and I did relish every opportunity I had to “crossdress” (to the extent that a nonbinary person can crossdress). From my perspective, the odds that Hanae could be trans or nb are pretty high, even if the author never pulls the trigger.

I’m honestly surprised we haven’t been getting much about Hanae’s relationship with Hana so far, regardless of what the series lands on for Hanae’s gender identity. Hana’s existence is what the story is premised on; Mei can be an excuse to talk to Hana, if that’s what Toru is going with, but Hana is unprompted. As time has gone on, we’ve seen the story and characters get a little more serious, so I’m confident we’ll get more narrative meat on the bones moving forward. Hopefully that means we’ll dig into Hana more; it definitely means we’ll be getting more clues as to whether we’ll get a kiss or a hug at the end. We’ll also discover whether or not I’ve been rationalizing to myself about whether or not I should feel bad for liking this book, depending on the ending. I’ll certainly be letting you know. Until then, I’m enjoying the ride.